(Dedication and gratitude to my big sister, Ayhnisa for the inspiration.)
It is currently a very passionate time in our lives, and it has approached us over 48 hours ago. Our romantic and platonic relationships will be tested, and self-love is encouraged at an all time high in even the most vulnerable points in your life. This is not a drill: Venus is in retrograde, y’all. If you don’t know what it means, you better get to finding your natal chart online and get to analyzing because honey...this is gonna be a time for some people, maybe even you.
I chose this time to bring up a topic I’ve been dying to delve into. I’ve spent a summer to myself working on my own personal growth and my peace. In the past couple months I realized a lot about some of the issues that love has to deliver to balance out the beauty of it that blinds us to flaws in ourselves and in our partners. Before I give you guys my post of the 20 Things I’ve Learned at 20, I wanted to delve into what would [necessarily] be one of my twenty things.
I want you to think of a situation where you found yourself emotionally attached to something materialistic (preferably something tangible, such a necklace or bracelet). Think of a time where you were hurt because the materialistic item you were attached to had broken, been misplaced, or just not what you expected. Why were you hurt? Was it because of the meaningfulness of item or because it was something that you just had to have regardless of how sentimental it was? What benefit was present by having possession of the item?
Much like the materialistic item you have in mind, many of us approach our romantic and platonic relationships with the same view and the same level of emotional attachment. We hold on to relationships—good or bad—due to the sentiment of the events in the relationship or because it brings us comfort having the bond with the person. What we all fail to understand with our relationships is that we have to learn how to distinguish the ideas of want and need. We also must understand the effect of soul ties and unconditional love.
When we build strong emotional attachment to the things we want, we often allow a soul tie to be formed. Soul ties are emotional bonds that connect you with someone else. It’s also the idea that certain actions can connect you to a person in a bond that cannot be easily broken. Some soul ties are healthy for us if maintained well. However, do not associate a soul tie with a soulmate. Some soul ties are not the healthiest for you, and can result in a downward spiral of emotions and events between yourself and the person you have formed such a thing with. We confuse ourselves with the idea of associating everyone we encounter that treats us well in the moment as a soulmate. We exist in the idea that comfort with a person equates to a spiritual connection with them, when in reality it could just be as shallow as comfort and nothing more.
One thing I’ve learned from this creative/“get your sh*t together” hiatus is that you have to know the difference between your wants and your needs. We’ve all been there—we often say we need something, but we really don’t. The idea of need requires attachment, for needing requires dependency. We find ourselves in positions getting overly attached to people and situations, and creating a dependency on them for our own happiness. Think back to the materialistic item we discussed earlier. What made that thing significant for you? Why did you feel you had to have it? Evaluate it.
Let’s say that the necklace, my example for the sake of this topic, breaks and/or it gets misplaced. Dependent on the significance of the item, it could hurt you or upset you. When things don’t go our way with situations that we emotionally bind ourselves to, we find ourselves being upset and pained by it. Sometimes, we find ourselves acting out of character depending on the situation and it’s significance. One thing that we must all come to realize is that there are always situations that we are posed with that are out of our control. We cannot control people’s feelings, and we cannot be responsible for others. We are only responsible for how we react to situations presented to us. You might have had a bad break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend—maybe even a falling out with a friend—recently. How did you react? If you reacted negatively, why did you allow yourself to react out of your true character?
Do not allow anyone or anything to take you out of your character. It’s not worth it. No matter how significant something is to you, if it is healthy, it would not extract you of your peace and your rationale. I’ve learned in the past couple of months that you must always protect your peace. This is something that will be further explained in my 20 Things post, but always maintain your peace of mind at all costs. Nothing that’s for you will cost you your sanity.
Did you hear me?!
Nothing that’s for you will cost you your sanity.
So why do we find ourselves going losing our minds and being irrational over people’s decisions that matter to us most? Why do we tolerate behavior from others that do not have our best interest at heart? Why do we hold on?
Unconditional love is a skewed idea in society today. We often associate our allegiance to toxic relationships as loyalty, and being a “ride or die” is praised. Unconditional love is not toxic. Unconditional love does mean to be susceptible to pain. Unconditional love doesn’t stagger in attendance. We can love unconditionally in the sense of physical appearance, but we do not have to love unconditionally when emotional and psychological states are affected and we are no longer respected by the people we care about. These soul ties we create amongst one another should not bring us pain. To be realistic...bad days are inevitable. However, we do not have to be around anyone or in any situation that destroys us.
The healthiest love comes from yourself. The healthiest love is rooted within you. You are the key to finding your healthiest love. The best way to find love is not to look for it. Stop seeking. Level up and learn yourself before you give pieces of your being away and tie yourself with new people. When we tie ourselves with people, we unintentionally take on their emotions and their baggage and vice versa.
In order to sustain your being, you must learn how to build yourself up and allow yourself to be so full emotionally, mentally, and physically, that our being overflows regardless of who we allow to take pieces of us. Be full in your peace and your love, and unconditionally love yourself first before taking on someone else.
Stay locked in, y’all!
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